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| (refer to last blog)
since there is no hope what so ever for me to change my xanga name, i have decided i'll move on. i have my random tumblr, but it's not the same. perhaps my writing days are soon to be over... | | |
| Random Blog: Xanga has changed. Just making blogs is difficult, especially if you're HTML handicapped. I haven't dealt with HTML since I last edited my vancouverxchange account which I haven't used since... what?... vancouverxchange? What the heck is that anyway? Moving on, let's just say there's actually more to Xanga than just the usuals. I might make my return, have a lot in mind I want to put down. I definitely have to change my Xanga name from "the_h8er" into something better. I just need 9000 more credits to do that...
and yes you're correct. This is me... participating in class.
ps... If you're reading this. LEAVE ME EPROPS. THANKS! | | |
| Two thousand and nine, the year xanga died. And why would it? Well if you read my last blog, you wouldn't have to ask such questions. But perhaps, under the unexpected circumstances of this year, I grew weary of writing.
What did last year mean to me?
Yes, I'm spending the first few moments of 2010 writing what it appears to be of the past: a blog. A lost art perhaps?.. A long forgotten history. This blog is brief: I'll probably lack words, thoughts, and well.. whatever the reason that brought you to read this. But 2009... Definitely something about it, something different, something.. what seems to be.. worth writing about. Where do I start?
Ever had a dream so bizarre yet exciting but then when you woke up in the morning, you couldn't remember what it was? Strange images blur your thoughts as you uneasily place pieces of a puzzle together and decipher the dream. You try to paint yourself a picture of what happened and see what you could plot but the faces and the emotions tell you nothing but the mere fact that at the point of the dream, you were either happy, or you were sad... but none the less at the time you were aware if you were crying tears of joy or tears of grief; and that some moments you wish you could stay in, and then you remember the moments you were relieved to have passed... and although mixed and confused, you knew that these events took place together to make this dream; and with just one single moment missing or different, it wouldn't have been the same dream at all. And when you wake up you could only wonder, how so many things could possibly happen in a span so short. That was my... 2009. | | |
| Her hand felt warm against my cheek as she stared right into my eyes. In the dim light of the stars and the moon her gaze froze me. I closed my eyes to be released and raised my hand to press more of her warmth against my face. I felt her shiver as my cold hand touched hers, her hand shifted and tucked itself in mine.
She smoothly rubbed her thumb just below my eye socket and I inhaled the cold air. As I exhaled, I opened my eyes to stare right back into hers. She smiled calmly, sending the frigid feeling out of my body and stimulating warmth as if something has awakened from inside. In her eyes I saw the reflected horizon and then I knew, it found me.
Keeping her hand in mine, I drew it away from my face and smiled back. "Come watch the sun rise with me," I said. She nodded and inched closer to me as she grasped my hand tighter, interlocking her fingers in mine.
I tugged her along as I walked her to the edge of the balcony. The sun, though hiding, lit up the dark skies and the stars soon began to fade. Without getting any closer to the guardrail, I gently spun her around as to position her in front of me keeping her hand in mine. As we both stared into the horizon, I softly wrapped my arms around her as the sun broke through and encroached the horizon. She pressed her back further onto my chest and I embraced her tighter. In my peripherals I saw her eyes close as she tilted her head slightly back to caress my cheek with hers. I closed my eyes as well as I started to feel the warmth of the sun pressing against my face.
Can I simply paint this picture and live in it forever? Was I soon to forget the past? The silence seized my thoughts and I opened my eyes to free it. My eyes quickly adjusted in the bright light and a light breeze heightened my senses. I am definitely awake and living it.
But, is she mine to keep?
the dawn of a new beginning
"Who is she?" You might ask.
does it really matter? of course it does, if you want to understand.
are people reading between the lines yet? after reading anjo's note on facebook you'd think people would read between the lines. most of my past blogs are rediculous and full of nonsense, but im sure once you've learned to read it, you'd understand.
but perhaps they are no longer of any importance; from this writing you might find that, i may not be that person anymore. they are simply a series of random blogs that no longer hold their meanings, and have perhaps been long forgotten because perhaps people stopped understanding, stopped reading, and inevitably stopped caring. perhaps you can look for the blog when i wrote about the word 'perhaps' and hope to understand what it really means when i say perhaps. but perhaps it's not worth it, for that's in the past, and we are living in today.
and what else is there to say? reflecting a lot for the past 40+ days in which we gave up our vices i have simply learned, and i've had enough: enough thinking, enough waiting, and perhaps.. enough caring. caring for what? caring for things i shouldn't. caring for things that wont help me in life, and my love for God. i was really in fact, a terrible person if you knew me at best, but no one really had a shot at that. talk to the invisble man.. performing the disappearing act, he would know right? in what i've given up for lent as abstinence has given me insight in what i had to do in the future; and what seems to be a list of random useless things, altogether as a whole, was actaully a difficult task in which in the end i realized i was a bit too ambitious to aspire such a feat. once again people failed to read between the lines, in which i had to explain to a few why i've simply given up the things i did. im no longer going to explain, as if i needed to lose weight for giving up fast food. sometimes i wonder if people still use their heads.
this media driven world prevents most people from seeing the truth, and people tend to see things unclearly. and from confusion and all the missing images of a particular picture people fill in the gaps and create images of what they portray that picture should be, creating falsified meanings which really dont belong. it seems like people dont seem to care to even try to know the truth; they're satisfied with fallacy as long as their happy, as long as their world doesn't crumble.
and furthermore, people create fantasies, in which they live in dreams. they dont explore life, they've simply drew that circle around themselves, and closed it so that nothing can encroach it. (watch 10,000 B.C. to know the importance of the circle). these are the people who cant read between the lines, because as openminded as they want to think they are, they will always be.. though aware of the world around them, oblivious to what the world really has to offer, to who the person next to them really is, and to how God really wants them to live life.
quite the disappointment. should i help these people? i did or at least i tried. but who's to say i wasn't one of them?
the resurrection of Jesus symbolizes a new beginning, therefore why should i linger in the past?
time for me to let go...
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| a sleepless moment
Out of adventitious reasoning, I walked into a familiar and not so distant place. I closed the door behind me, and stared into the space. I was tired and feeling exhausted, having no recollection of what had happened, and what placed me in this condition.
Surprisingly I knew I was only ready for bed; and as I looked towards the window, all I saw was darkness. With only a lamp placed onto the night table to light the room, I slowly paced around to the right side of the bed that was before me and sat down upon it. I was waiting for something, or perhaps someone; but I didn't know what or who in that matter, so I buried my face in my hands as I closed my eyes to think.
In a soft, furtive motion, a hand lifted up my face. "Hey, ready for bed?" She asked.
As a second ticked by, two thoughts came into mind:
1. How the heck did she get into the room without me noticing; and,
2. 'Ready for bed'? What the heck is she doing there to begin with?
I looked at her curiously as I raised one eyebrow. She blankly stared back. Her jaw began to drop slowly. And in the next second following she asked with the distinct interrogative voice of hers: "What are you doing?"
I stood up and said, "I was thinking okay." She walked around the bed to the other side and I notice that she too, was ready for bed. Shirt and pajama pants. Err, that's what you're wearing for bed? I thought. But, no objections, she certainly looked beautiful.
She started fixing the pillows and she pulled the blanket back and looked straight back at me.
"So you want the bed or the floor?" I said with a laugh.
She stared.
"I'm joking! Holy freak, okay, I'm gonna take the floor then," I quickly said.
"No, what are you doing? Stop joking." She said in that voice. She slipped into one side of the bed.
"Okay, well I kinda feel weird how we're sleeping already. Are they still awake?" They? What, I didn't even know what or who I was referring to.
"Oh jeez, don't worry about them. I want to sleep already." She said sounding irritated, but looking cute at the same time.
I stare back and sighed.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I nodded slowly in uncertainty. For some strange reason, everything felt right, which was not suppose to be.
With her head already on the one pillow she flashed her eyes at me. "Oh jeez, can you please get into bed already? I'm so tired." She tapped the empty space beside her. She grinned. And I got drawn into bed with it.
Her smile grew, but she showed no teeth. I lied down partially on my back while I leaned to one side facing her. She came closer and placed her arms around my torso and looked straight into my eyes. I lifted my left hand and caressed her cheek with the back of my fingers. She closed her eyes briefly, then with that smile I finally saw teeth. I smiled back at her.
She then leaned in and placed her head on my chest and closed her eyes. She hugged my tightly.
A brief moment later she pulled herself back and looked at me. She did that particular face expression then turned around to face her back to me. Before I could even think, she then leaned back into me and tucked her head between my cheek and the pillow. The warmth of her body started to relax me as I gently placed my arms around her.
She fell in deep sleep as the silence grew. She slept so soundly, and there I was, still awake. Where had all my fatigue gone to? I softly whispered in her ear saying: "Even though you're not mine to keep, I love you."
I laid there holding her gently, sleepless.
... don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, 'cause I'd miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing.
i want to keep you
forever
indeed once again it was a dream. and of course, it was an awesome dream until steph called at 3 in the morning to talk to me and ruined it. it's okay steph, you probably wont read this anyway. haha...
but for sure, this dream did not intend for me to fall for her, but to appreciate the fact, that she is by far one of the best blessings in my life, and the fact that i am extremely lucky to call her, my friend. and to think that im alone in this world? yes, im an idiot.
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